This time of year, as high school entrance exams are about
to begin, stress levels in many families will be higher than usual. There are
several key points to remember, so that both you and your children can pull through
this rough patch with a little more grace.
Your child’s performance on these entrance exams is not in
any way a reflection of your performance as a parent, nor is it a reflection of
your child’s worth as a person. These are key factors to remember as we discuss
how to deal with your child’s state in this article. We will move on to discussing
your own stress as a parent in the next.
It may seem redundant to say it, but
never forget that this is far more stressful for your child than it is for you.
Managing your child’s
stress
Beyond learning to appropriately manage your own stress
about the process, just be there for your child. You know your child better
than anyone else, after all. Genuinely analyze whether she needs a lot of guidance through the examination
process, or whether this is the time to let her start forging her own path. (Of
course allowing your child to take the reins does not mean okaying every idea
they pass by you!)
A good way to begin is to sit down as a family and talk about school options,
expectations, financial limitations, and so on, before applying anywhere. Make
sure that your child understands what the different processes might be to go
through to get into each of her choices (exams, interviews and essays being the
most common).
When it comes to discussing your own concerns, pick wise
times to discuss them with your child. For example, don't start venting your
anxieties right after your child vents their own. This only piles on the
stress. Rather, at these times provide them the assurance and support they are
needing from you. At these times especially, remind your child often that you
are proud, no matter the outcome, and mean it.
Remember that some anxieties might be best kept to yourself,
like your worry that a child isn't smart enough to be accepted to a particular
school. Some of your concerns, on the other hand, are very important to talk
about with your child, such as how your child's education will be financed.
Your prospective student needs to have a relative idea of how willing and able
you are, as their parent, to provide money to pay for their school experience.
Don’t
forget that if parents get hysterical or overwrought then kids will respond in
kind. While some stress may peek its ugly head out at times, your child should
not be witnessing you experiencing a daily meltdown. Learn to walk away when
you need a minute to breathe and clear your head.
Listen to your child and only offer advice when asked for
it, while keeping the lines of communication open. Make sure that your child
knows she can come and talk to you any time. When she does, watch your tone and
body language. Think before you speak. Give your child the confidence to make
the best decisions for themselves. Double the number of times you say “I love
you”. Remember to give unconditional love, especially when things aren’t going
as expected. Ask them if anything you are doing is adding stress, and if you
cannot change what you are doing, you can at least explain why you are doing
it. Having a greater understanding of your behavior may be helpful for them. Offer
love and support, and respect their ability to handle the process in a way that
is right for them, even at this tender age.
Reinforce that there is not "just one school" that will make them
happy or provide them with the keys to success. We can hurt our kids deeply if we let them
think that whichever school accepts them makes a difference in how we feel
about them. Advise your child that this is not necessarily a lifetime decision;
they can always transfer to another school after first year if they want to.
There are also a number of other things you can do to help
reduce your child’s stress around the house: Don’t make this period of time all
about applying to schools! Make an extra effort to engage in other activities,
especially fun outings. Give grace to your children: they may need to have less
household responsibilities, and they may need to take some breaks to play with
friends, watch a movie or exercise.
Last but not least: don’t forget to sneak in as much fun for
you both as you can. They need it and so do you!
